Leave It – Jenny 21

 

[For back story go here: Story so far at 27 July 2020 and subsequent Jenny episodes.]

[Click on in-text links for relevant back story]

Jenny was washing up. The house was empty and her bag was packed upstairs – hiding in the wardrobe, out of the way so even she didn’t need to think about it just yet. But it was there and even with the suds over her hands she could feel its presence, burning a hole through her back, reaching in to push at her heart.

She hadn’t really thought about it much, but just thought that if she started to pack in order to leave then maybe her feelings would automatically stop her. But the arguments over the weekend and the silence when they were close felt too much to take any more. In the end the more she packed, the more she packed. The more things she felt she needed, the more relaxed she became and when she phoned a friend to ask if she could sleep on their sofa for a few nights, it felt like the most natural thing to do in the world. There was no alternative and her voice didn’t even crack.

So she was doing the last bit of washing up in the near empty house and then she’d compose a short note for Izzy to read when she got back from her now higher powered job, and she’d walk out of the house. Not forever, but for some time.

Only Peter would be left for now. Izzy at work, Helen at school and Peter on another day off before returning to school tomorrow. She didn’t feel the need to tell Peter what she was going to do, he’d get the drift, and they all knew the score and they’d all discuss it all later.

She decided against drying up and put her shoes on. Shrugging into her jacket she found a piece of paper in one of the pockets. She unfolded it and read: “I’m sorry I’ve been mean. You both deserve a break.” It was in Helen’s handwriting.

Jenny sat on the stairs and read it over again. Sure Helen had been a pain lately but this was really something – only two short sentences, maybe, but something which showed she cared. There had been a few words here and there, thought Jenny, words which maybe could have been more recognition of how much Helen loved her parents. Maybe she, Jenny, hadn’t realised what was really going on. Allowing the words to be swept away in the waves of news updates, Peter’s personal life and work leaving, promotion celebrating video calls.

She decided she’d talk to Helen more about this later. Maybe a well timed phone call or a long string of texts as they used to do when Helen first got a phone and seemed to use it to say things she could not otherwise express.

The phone went off just after Jenny had zipped up her coat. It was Izzy and she had half a mind not to answer it. But she did – no need to alarm her now and the conversation wouldn’t be about their relationship she was certain of that. And sure enough it wasn’t.

“Look, something’s happened at work,” started in Izzy. “We’ve got a run of fifty payments on the computer and no paperwork to support them. Where the hell do I start looking?”

Jenny smiled and sat back down on the stairs. For twenty minutes or so the two trawled through their collective knowledge of the business, where the files might be, what the payments could have been for and so on until Izzy was calmer and able to start looking properly. She thanked her and said she loved her and that she would see her later.

It was a nice call, thought Jenny, but an easy one. They’d see each other later, but it would be later than Izzy thought. And they would get back together, thought Jenny. They could talk to each really and at least they liked each other, maybe more, to be honest. There was still something there – something that could be sensed even in a work conversation about paperwork. That could be a building block.

But right now, thought Jenny, maybe a little less certain now, it was time for a change. Fresh air and different conversations. She could cycle round to her friends and relax for a while. Let her mind unwind and work out what she really wanted.

She looked for a pen to write the note.

While she did so Peter called from the front room.

“Internet’s gone down. Can you reboot it and put in the code?”

“Sure,” said Jenny.

She diverted and went into the kitchen where a swift unplug and replug of the modem would lead to a reconnection for Peter.

As she did this she thought maybe she didn’t need to go anywhere to make things different. When she thought about it there was warmth underlying all this. A chance to connect as she sorted Peter’s video game, as she discussed work with Jenny, and as she and Helen circled each other trying to find a way into each other’s thoughts.

She bantered with Peter for a few minutes, made them both some toast, stood down her friend, unpacked some of her bag and put the rest, still packed, back in the wardrobe. And then she sat with a piece of paper and a pen, to list all the things she would do from here on.