Winner Takes It All – Wayne 18

[For back story go here: Story so far at 27 July 2020 and more recent Wayne posts.]

[In text links also give relevant back story]

Wayne was on a game show. A sort of game show. A sort of game show hosted through video linkup of course, but one which would be broadcast straight across the BBC into the homes of – well, anyone who wanted to watch. He couldn’t quite believe he’d made it here but nevertheless his most recent performance – straight down his own goddam YouTube channel – had whisked him out of the cult crowd, albeit the popular cult crowd, and mainlined him into mainstream media. And he liked it. A lot.

Within the format of the show he found himself sparkling and shining, just by being himself. Lined up against a couple of regular comedians, the show’s host (who had become famous for the show itself and little else) and a clear ‘straight person’ who he didn’t recognise but believed was something to do with politics, Wayne found himself undercutting remarks, chiming in with fantastically appropriate name drops and generally amusing all and sundry with anecdotes from his amazing life.

The show went through a couple of rounds of general knowledge and current events. Wayne threw in a few caustic remarks about the government’s handling of – well, pretty much everything – as well as promoting his own performance which was still available for viewers. Even the comedians were unable to undermine his sense of achievement.

“Wasn’t it a bit odd to do that without a crowd?” asked one. “I was thinking it must’ve been a bit like the old days when you were singing into a hairbrush into the mirror? Or is that what all your gigs were like before lockdown?”

Wayne just recited the number of live views he got, the number of followup views so far and the number of record companies who were now offering him a record amount of money for his new solo work. And that was without quoting the figures showing how successful his last pre-lockdown tour was.

“How are your gigs going, by the way?” he asked back, to the appreciation of all the other panelists.

After another swift round of providing a witty caption to a picture, Wayne was then given a special round all of his own. This one had been specially designed to cash in on his status as someone who knew what was hot and what was not. The round was entitled “Naff or Class”.

“Vinyl records,” asked the compare. “Naff or Class?”

“Class all the way,” said Wayne. “I don’t care where you’re from or how old you are or any of that stuff, you know? There’s no question but if you’re listening to music this is what you want. A record is a thing of beauty and the quality of the sound is way better than anything else.”

“Great, OK,” deadpanned the compare.

“You do know you need a record player to play those things too, right?” said one of the comedians with a stupid grin on his face. “I mean, it uses a needle and everything and…”

“You need the right kind of needle, right?” guffawed one of the other comedians.

Wayne wasn’t falling for it. “Next?”

“A ManzDown app for your fans,” asked the compare. “Naff or Class?”

“Naff,” said Wayne. “What do you put on it – and why do you put that stuff there if you don’t want other people to hear it? I mean, I want to reach out to everyone and an app doesn't do that. Not the right approach. But that’s just me, right? Maybe other people like it.”

“And finally,” said the compare, “discovering that your mum is not actually your real mum but not telling anyone else you know about it at all – including the woman who adopted you?”

Wayne looked around the screen at his fellow panelists. They were all just looking back at him. His mouth was dry and he wasn’t sure where to begin.

“…how did?” He stuttered. “It’s sort of, I dunno, I didn’t think…”

“Naff or Class?” Asked the compare. “Got to be one or the other, right?”

“It’s personal,” said Wayne, eventually. 

“Oh, I think we all know that,” said the compare. “But is it Naff. Or is it Class?”

Wayne felt the start of panic fluttering in his mind. The grey fog was descending, a haze was blurring his eyesight, the compare had started chanting ‘Naff or Class’ and there was some kind of weird hip-hop beat and sample coming in over the top of it.

Part of Wayne wanted to grab a distorted guitar and play it loudly over the top of everything. Part of Wayne just wanted it to stop.

It stopped.

And Wayne really did wake up. And it really was all a dream.

He looked at his alarm clock. 5.15AM. He needed to talk to someone.