Key Decision – Wayne 19

 

[For back story go here: Story so far at 27 July 2020 and more recent Wayne posts.]

[In text links also give relevant back story]

“How do you think she’ll react?” asked Dave as Wayne put his jacket on and started his now near habitual process of searching his flat for his car keys. He was going to see his mum – or the woman he’d known as his mum and nothing would stop him. Apart from the keys, maybe.

" I don’t know, do I?” He said. “She knows but she doesn’t know I know. What does that even mean?”

“Does she need to know you know?”

“I don’t know. I think so, otherwise I wouldn’t feel this way.”

“Are you angry with her for not telling you?”

“Might be. More confused to be honest. And I’ve known for like three years, so I’ve lived with it, not like it’s a surprise or anything.”

“I’m trying to work out what this conversation might be like.”

“I don’t know,” said Wayne with emphasis. “That’s why I want to have it.”

He circled the kitchen for the fifth time in as many minutes, still unable to find the keys. 

“Maybe you should talk to someone else about it before you do anything rash – you know, relationship guidance.”

“I’ve already talked to someone.”

“Who?”

“You. And I still think I should do it.”

He ducked outside the flat momentarily, plugged the code into the key safe by the door and found no car key there either. Disappointed he slammed the door as he came back into the flat.

“It really shouldn’t be this hard,” he said through gritted teeth.

“I’ll come with you,” said Dave.

“What?”

“Seriously. I’ll come with you. Just sit in the car outside if you want. Not come in, I mean she’s not my relative or anything and there’s a pandemic on and I don’t think she’ll appreciate two shocks in one day if you see what I mean. Let her concentrate on your issue rather than… another issue.”

Wayne looked at him. 

“I can keep you company – even for the journey back, especially for the journey back. You might have things you want to say or think about or talk about. I mean, we don’t have to talk, but if you want to I’d be there.”

Wayne wasn’t even certain this was the right course of action for him to take and he didn’t really need to take it either, if he really didn’t want to. Or he could leave it until later or such time that she actually brought it up. But there was a chance she would never bring it up. This could just be something she took to the grave and then he’d have to do that too, and the problem was, what was eating away at him was where did all this leave him? He didn’t know who his mum was, he knew he was part of Phillis’ family and up until this point that had been absolutely OK. But for some reason, whether it was the suggestion of the dream or something more powerful, he just knew he needed to know more.

“I don’t want you to rush into something and get hurt,” said Dave.

“I’m not rushing,” said Wayne. “And maybe I need to get hurt. Maybe this is something I have to go through. It’s not doing me any good just hanging over me, you know?”

Beneath Wayne’s personal feelings there was a small excited bubble that was whispering inspiration at him. Maybe a new concept album about identity, about his identity. But then there was another whisper down there that suggested he could get his inspiration from the current situation without actually having to talk to anyone. It wasn’t like Phillis ever heard or read his lyrics.

But the whole point was to be authentic more than anything else, and that would only come through having full knowledge of what hell was going on. He could do whatever he wanted with his experience, but without the full story or trying to get the full story, anything he wrote would only ever be guess work.

“I know it’s your story and your life,” said Dave, “But I think you might need some support, and that’s why I’m here.”

“Only support I need now is finding the car keys,” said Wayne as he set off around the flat once more, this time starting in the bedroom. 

He rifled through a number of jackets and trousers on the off-chance, flipped open and closed the bedside drawers and still found nothing. Having made up his mind to do this he was now faced with not being able to go through with it simply because he’d lost his damn keys. And if he getting this annoyed by it all, maybe he shouldn’t be going out there to speak to Phillis anyway. Maybe this was a can of worms that should be left closed.

He walked back to the kitchen: “Look, I’m beginning to get a bit nervous,” he said. “Maybe you should come along.”

Dave smile and held the car keys up for him. Wayne felt there were two reactions to this, and he went for the one where he smiled and said: “Come on, then.”